Word of the day... Lonely

Every week, starting today, I will pick a word that defines the week, search youtube for that word to find a video that I can relate to and post it here....

this week's word: Lonely

Navigating Physical Distance in a Relationship....

I've always read that long distance relationships can be hard. There seem to be a number of factors that can contribute to a relationship going south because the distance at some point can feel like it cannot be bridged...

The main problem that people face is in deciding the right quantum of communication to maintain in a long distance relationship....If you decide to give a fair chance to the relationship, it seems that as much communication as you can get is the right way to go. however It sometimes feels like you are in limbo waiting for the real part of your life to start and that can be hazardous for the relationship. Like you are sitting and staring at a computer screen while life around you is moving at a pace you cant keep up with.

The paradox is that the opposite situation is also not a good scenario to be in... viz. a scenario where one or both the partners decide to move on with life and do things... and unless the communication channel is strong, the other partner can feel left out and insignificant. when that happens, the distance although absolute in physical terms can seem like a huge chasm that neither one can then hope to cross...

The boundaries of patience are often tested... what happens to physical satisfaction? where does one find the patience to deal with insecurities in the early part of the long distance relationship? does attraction wane with time? do priorities change with time? when should the alarm bells ring?

At one end, getting into a routine helps deal with the feeling of loneliness and helps you cope with everyday life. on the other end a routine at some point becomes comfortable and hence awakens the deeper insecurities of the other person. What if your partner becomes too comfortable with the distance?

The physical and emotional distance is just compounded with the difference in time zones. One person feels horny while the other is in the middle of a work day and cant help it. Also reading your partners emotional state of mind is not an easy task on a computer screen. Words are taken literally and the real meaning or emotion behind it often gets lost in cyberspace....

here is my take on this as a personal experience... I think early on I tend to need more contact than usual. At times it may come across as being overly needy and not too masculine. but the reason for this is that for the first few weeks, everything is unchartered territory. Although I may have been in long distance relationships before, Each instance is a new experience and the equilibrium needs to be found fast. I learn from your emotional responses to new situations and that helps me reach some sort of a comfort level... where life doesn't feel in limbo and at the same time it doesn't feel like you are rushing away from each other at breakneck speed. 

so how do you recognize which way the relationship is headed? your guess is as good as mine.

Poem of the week: A heart not to give

Cast in stone, coarse and porous
Hollow and drained of all it knew
To fill it feels empty and hopeless
Not to try feels pathetic and blue

Tears, blood, Love.... No not love
Love will never do

Love is the poison that cursed you so
It made you half where you were whole
I took from you and left you cold
listening for echos of words untold

Love and hate, hate and love.... Or hate to love
It's all the same

Until there is neither your heart belongs not to you
It can't be given, taken or divided in two
Many will try and fail you'll see
Always falling short of what they can't be

Your day will come to own your heart again
love will always find you in the end.

Copyright © gravy ... [2010-05-02 22:43:19]

The Unknown

On the clouds of unknowing
Where the stars aren't out of reach
hidden in mists of this purple twilight
I watched life blossom upon a virgin beach.
My tears merged with this fluffy sponge,
Tear’d from salty breaths of the seas below,
Lonely whispers entertained my crazed thoughts
As the land fell beneath my gloomy shadow.

An eclipse of my uncertainty clouds the land
Darkness conceals the feelings I hold beneath me,
On the cloud of unknowing I stand
Precariously on the edge... but an angel's voice keeps me.
The sunshine soon lights up a path
And the world looks up into the clouds,


I jump into the unknown


...and begin my voyage into your heart.

Things about me that I didn't realize earlier

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• As much as I like schedules and getting everything organized, I like working to flexible schedules and doing things at my own pace.

• At some point I would like to work with underprivileged kids in some way or the other. Not in a big do-goody way... but just in my own small way, enough to be able to make a difference.

• I want independence....not just financial independence... but emotional, spatial and physical independence.

• I am not a very family oriented person...I am slightly embarrassed to say it, but its true... big family gatherings are very uncomfortable.

• Regardless of whether they work or not in the end, The most fulfilling relationships I have had are the ones where I can see the relationship going somewhere. Without it I think they are pointless.

• I like being calm... flustered environments seem artificial...

• Goalposts are something that belong in a football field... My goals get achieved regardless of what I do...unless I screw it up horribly that is.

• I think falling in love is a natural exercise... its so effortless that it shouldn't be called an exercise... falling out of love - now thats more like military school... but my personal experience says it can be done

• I tend to give people more than their deserved share of empathy. It has nothing to do with the desire to be liked. I have no desire to be liked by everyone.

• A crucial lesson I have learnt is that its important not to squeeze timelines... in professional as well as personal lives... if it has to be hurried, there's no way things are going to work out... and if things have to work out, someone has to create the time.

My Ambitions

Over a period of time, we all go through phases of life where we want somethings more than most.... sometimes we want a certain job, sometimes it is money, material comforts, locations, emotional or physical satisfaction that is on top of the list of things we think we need.

What I have noticed through personal experience is that however badly I may want certain things and whatever ways I may use to attain them; when I look back at those things after a considerable period of time, I always have the realization that I was a bit naive to want them. If it isn't that, then its the feeling that the way I went about getting them wasn't quite the way I would now do it.

Although I have tried to sit and analyze the reason this happens, most times I do attribute this to a certain 'wavering' quality that my mind possesses. It sometimes gives the indication of not being able to focus on one thing over a period of time and seeing it through. Although lately I have had to re-evaluate the hypothesis.

Just to illustrate my point, here are a few of the things I wanted to do or be when I was little... in order of occurrence...

1. A bus ticket conductor (I had this thing that looked like a ticket puncher that I used to go around with)
2. A taxi driver (I thought they had the best jobs ever....driving cars!)
3. The guy who gets to drive 'kit' the car in knight rider (again who doesnt want to own a talking supercar?
4. A cricketer (I did actually pursue this for a while till the fact that I had glasses kinda proved a hindrance in turning pro...and the fact that the school coach was more inclined to let the rich kids play more)
5. A scientist (My 5th grade science teacher proclaimed this one in front of the whole class and that was all I wanted to do since then... I think it lasted a year or so)
6. An astronomer (my tryst with the planetarium library was the defining factor)
7. you get the gist...

The older I grew the more varied and complex the things that I wanted to do became.... what was peculiar though.... through ages 10-15, they were little more than fantasy.... when we all live in a world where everything is possible.

through ages 15-20, they were more of a wishlist... where I explored my options and tried to choose the best course of action. unlike the earlier 5 years, I had the option of having the means to pursue my ambitions... what happened (and what usually happens in such cases) however was a completely different matter.

Through ages 20-25, the list narrowed down to what was possible...although the possibilities for success and things to do within that narrow list seemed endless.

Post age 25... upto this age, what I wanted and what I did had definite purpose and goals... however I have noticed with increasing frequency that post this age, the factors defining success have considerably changed.... and so have the goals... I no longer crave the things I did when I was 20. My goals have widened to a point where I can only define them in the broader sense of the word.

This may seem more obscure, and can sometimes be mistaken with getting jaded or disillusioned... but on the contrary, it has never been more clearer... The goals have changed to a nature that I cant quite define here... I know what I want... I know how to get it... I know how to deal with failure and I also know that regardless of me getting what I want, things will turn out just fine. Call it a higher sense of understanding or pure unadulterated gibberish... the only person this logic appeals to is me.

The eventuality of things

I have never been a firm believer in the concept of eventuality. If there was a cause worth fighting for, I was right there with my sword defending it regardless of its futile nature and despite the fact that in eventuality my actions may not matter that much in the grand scheme of things.

This is probably why I do not see things that other people see until they smack me square in the face. To the uninformed observer this might look like a naiveté handicap, however it is best described as a stubborn disposition that sometimes overwhelms instinct and causes more harm by trying to maintain status quo in situations that are beyond hope.

There are various eventualities that as humans we sometimes ignore; some due to our inability to see the facts (and recognize them for what they are) and some due to our inability to accept them. When we finally do face the eventuality, it usually leaves us with a feeling of being let down; and in most cases it is too late to do anything about it.

However there is a silver lining to this… although an eventuality may lead to the death of a dream, idea or endeavor; it opens up the space for newer dreams and ideas to flow through. What we do with this opportunity is completely our discretion. We can sit around and mourn the death of our ideas and goals while new ones stare us in the face, or straddle up and take on the next challenge that comes through all the annihilation of the past.

What needs to change is the perception of failure… from something that leaves us feeling humiliated to something that opens up newer opportunities. Who knows what may be more important to us 10 years down the line… Do I want to chance my hand at guessing that by being inflexible in my choices now? I don’t honestly know.

What does matter to me is that regardless of whether my ideas and endeavors survive to become reality or die a horrible death, I as a person continue to find new peaks to scale.

Thinking about what to do next year?

• Sing in your Own words,
• Don't worry about finding inspiration: It comes eventually,
• Being Poor Sucks
• Everybody has their own private mount everest they were put on this earth to climb
• The choice of media is irrelevant
• The best way to get approval is to not need it
• Savour obscurity while it lasts
• Don't try to stand out from the crowd, avoid crowds altogether
• You are responsible for your own experience
• Power is never given, power is taken
• Beyond a point, nobody cares
• Whatever choice you make the devil gets his due eventually
• Beware of turning hobbies into jobs
• Worrying about 'commercial' v/s 'artistic' is a complete waste of time
• Merit can be bought, passion can't
• When your dreams become reality, they are no longer your dreams
• Allow your work to age with you
• Keep your day job
• Ignore everybody
• Dying young is overrated
• If your biz plan depends on you being suddenly being 'discovered' by some big shot, your plan will probably fail
• Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside
• The most important thing a creative person can learn professionally is where to draw the red line that separates what you are willing to do and what you are not
• Everyone is born creative, everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten
• The hardest part of being creative is getting used to it
• Selling out is harder than it looks

Tattoo

I finally got the design for my next tattoo nailed down. here is a first cut look.

The tattoo is a combination of two cultures, Buddhist and Hindu. I am not a religious person but these symbols and text appealed to me from a philosophical point of consideration.

The symbol in the center is the tibetan eternal knot. I have explained the meaning of this knot in a post before. Reproducing it here for referral purposes.

The endless knot has been described as "an ancient symbol representing the interweaving of the Spiritual Path, the flowing of Time and Movement within That Which is Eternal. All existence, it says, is bound by time and change, yet ultimately rests serenely within the Divine and the Eternal.

The Tibetan knot can stand for karmic consequences: pull here, something happens over there. It is an apt symbol for the Vajrayana methods: Often when we tug at one part of a knot while trying to loosen it, another part gets tighter. You have to work with the knot to get it to come undone.

The translation of the sanskrit text is below:

Contentment is the highest gain;

Good Company is the highest course;

Enquiry is the highest wisdom;

and Peace the highest enjoyment.

Some of the things that I aspire to.

Preemption...

Have you ever wondered why certain occasions leave you thoroughly confused and looking around like deer caught in front of headlights, while much of the animal kingdom has been pre-programmed to handle potentially difficult situations.

for e.g. here is how some animals deal with impending bad weather.

• Frogs croak louder and longer than usual.
• Roosters crow later in the day.
• Birds fly lower to the ground and gather on tree branches and telephone wires.
• Pigs squeal more and gather sticks to make a nest.
• Cows lay down in the fields to feed, and lay down to ensure they have a dry spot to lay. Cows also run around the field with their tails raised high swatting flies before a storm.
• Bees and butterflies seem to disappear from the flower beds they usually visit.
• Red and black ants build up their mounds around the holes, and may actually cover the hole.
• Fish jump out of the water and nip at low flying insects.
• Dolphins come into sheltered bays to avoid storms.
• Spiders leave their webs when it rains.
• Bees won't leave their hives.
• Seagulls come inland

All over the globe animals have behaviors they exhibit before the weather changes for the worse.
Makes you feel less privileged to be human now doesn't it? Here is another wierd story.

When South Asia had the devastating Tsunami which caused a large death toll and a large path of destruction, it was surprising how low the count was for loss of wildlife. Sri Lankan wildlife officials reported that they found no dead wild animals, including elephants. A photographer also reported seeing no animal corpses as he flew over the wildlife reserve - only active wildlife. An amazing fact when you consider the flood waters traveled up to two miles inland into the wildlife reserve. Potential theories suggest that a sixth sense alerted them to the Tsunami in plenty of time to reach higher and safer land. It could be from something as easy as their keen hearing, maybe hearing the wave approaching while it was still far enough away to escape. The animals may even be able to feel the vibrations of the ground, alerting them of the approaching dangerous situation.

Clearly there's a lot more evolution you and me have to go through. I feel the need for it now more than most times...

Dilemmas and Conundrums

There's an intrinsic problem with the world. It is too interdependent.

In an ideal world, the domino stack that starts tumbling due to a catastrophic event stops at a certain disconnected point; thus limiting the damage and sparing the rest of the setup from annihilation.

However life doesn't follow the same pattern.

I have earlier mentioned how everything we do has repercussions in places so far away that we never can imagine. While some of them are clearly visible, most of them require immense insight and thought to perceive. Due to the interconnected beings that we are, we are just as susceptible to being at the receiving end of those repercussions as we are of causing them. 

That brings us to today’s problem or conundrum as you might call it.

If you were aware of someone else's actions, and the repercussions it might have on them and yourself, just how much intervention is warranted?

Assuming that the repercussions aren't of a desired nature, the logical answer would be to take all the steps necessary to stop the cause or action that will be responsible for it. 

There are two ways that can be done. The first one is to give the right advice and hope that it will help avert an undesired result. Although the second way is more direct, it is also more intrusive; and it involves use of the words 'I Want...'

Sadly the manual of life has no directions specifying which option should be chosen at each specific moment. Let me illustrate the difference between the two. 

Giving Advice:

This is more impersonal, insensitive (most good advice is very insensitive) and less direct. It involves putting your point across in a way that seems philosophical and altruistic. However there is a problem with this way. The final outcome of the situation is dependent on the understanding and judgement of the person performing the action. This is best put in the following words. 

"Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it."

The problem with endeavoring to give the right advice is that one has to be very careful. In that the given advice may not be the right one but merely given to have the desired effect for yourself. This is akin to perjury and must be avoided at any cost.

In brief: Give the right counsel, hope it has the desired effect, and let the chips fall where they may.

I Want…:

The second and infinitely more direct method is to express the desired result.

e.g. I want you to do this.

I do not want this to happen.

I want you to take this decision.

While most people use this method to get their way, I feel that it amounts to coaxing someone to do something that you want. The power of persuasion is something that is blatantly used by many and more often than not, has the desired effect. But it also has the risk of never being able to understand someone’s actions and the underlying reasons for taking that action. By using the words ‘I Want…’ you rob yourself the chance to know what the other person might have done had you not influenced their thoughts in such a strong manner. I think that understanding that component of someone’s character is almost as important as influencing the outcome of the situation….if not more.

So when I am faced by this conundrum, I usually choose the first method. It does mean that I come across as insensitive and overly philosophical (the result of using clichés to explain certain stuff). It gives the impression of not caring enough when the truth is sometimes I care about it more than words can express.

It also means that I carry the risk of being hurt or disappointed more often than others. But I also possess the comfort of knowing that someone did something because they really wanted to and not because I told them to.

That leaves another conundrum… A clean conscience and a lot of sleepless nights. Sigh. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

Wierd Google Search Results

Searching for 'Rajkot Garlic Chutney' on google returned Mallika Sherawat!

Parachute - All that I am

The lights go down in Brooklyn,
As she's walking out the door
Oh and they're lining up like soldiers,
Going off to fight the war
And all the colors look like fireworks,
In skies she knew before

And nights can't hide the day
Then the tears roll down her face
And the lights so high, that's she's dying to say
"Just take me away"

But the fog just sits like blankets
And it's drowning out the glow
You can hear voices loud and singing out,
A song nobody knows
But to her it sounds like home

Oh cause nights can't hide the day
Then the tears roll down her face
And the lights so high, that's she's dying to say
"Just take me away, from all that I am
Just take me away, from all that I am"

Cause the fog just sits like blankets
And it smothers the glow

Oh and nights can't hide the day
Oh then the tears roll down her face
And the lights so high, that's she's dying to say
"Just take me away, from all that I am.
Just take me away, from all that I am.
Just take me away, from all that I am.
Just take me away, from all that I am.

introspection

One of those days where the world seems to whiz around you while you decide to slow down and observe it.... not because you are at leisure, but because you just realize you were going 100 miles an hour in a lane with a 10 mile speed limit.

• How your car appears magically clean every morning you step out
• How you don't give a thought to where the newspaper you pick up as you go about your daily business, came from
• The way your towel is clean, dry and hung up in the bathroom the night before you decide to jump in for a hot shower
• How you open your wardrobe every time and you find all your clothes washed, neatly pressed and sorted... smelling wonderful
• How your daily cups of coffee magically appear before you while you take a break from work
• How your credit card bills get paid with cheques that get picked up from your desk without any effort on your part

No... I'm not in some beautiful countryside stopping and smelling the roses on a warm sunny day that is flushed in scenic beauty...

Still I can't help but notice the magic in everyday life... at least I wish it was magic... 

One of the downsides to growing up is that you know that its not... that's why I am taking a moment to slowdown and appreciate it.

Difficult Questions

Today was a day that we decided to ask some difficult questions off ourselves. Although this was in the realm of the professional world, It did spur some interesting thoughts.

1. Success always takes more than its fair share of sacrifice
2. There are always more things to do than there are people to do them
3. It is easy to get frustrated and stop looking for next steps if nothing is moving forward... the people who resist this inertia are the ones who become successful
4. Losing view of the big picture is a luxury only some of us have; and the term 'some of us' almost never includes you.
5. Who you are as a person defines what you do with difficult situations and not the other way around
6. Smiling through rough patches is harder than you think, but it is well worth the effort.
7. The cost of doing business includes the money that you put in it as well as the money you would have made in case you were doing something else. It also includes the time you spend away from family, friends and fun.
8. The opportunity of doing business is that you learn more in a year than you will in a lifetime working for someone else. The opportunity almost always out weighs the cost.
9. Character and sound reasoning are the end result of a critical thought process. do not lose that ability. It is what will make you different from everyone else.

It is easy to get distracted with what other people think you need to do or be. its easier to buy into someone else's dream... rather than having your own.