Okay so this post may start sounding very vague in about exactly 5 sentences from now.
Thats because this next installment comes at exactly 5:44 am...after a crazy afterparty (well there was a party before but we shall not mention it here for posterity's sake). While I did get molested a little bit, I reinforced a few old beliefs and created a few new ones. Lets talk about attraction.
Lets take an example: Scene 1: A packed nightclub (could be either in North America or even India) What goes on in these places? The answer is obvious if you are around 5 years elder than the average age of the people in the nightclub. Which basically means 5 years ago, I wouldn't have noticed what I do now.
There are usually about 50 girls, some of them on the dance floor...and surrounding them will be roughly 300 guys, all waiting for a chance to align themselves to a girl's posterior. Once they successfully do that (and not all guys achieve this superhuman feat), a few minutes of ass grinding / dry humping follows. what happens then? the girl in question turns around, and depending on whether she likes what she sees, either a prolonged dry humping session or a disgusting look with a blow off follows. Another possible outcome is also that the girl's friends realize what's happening and pull her away.
What you realize in this sea of 20 somethings, is the fact that so few of the guys actually have a clue about how to interact with women (in most cases its the same cluelessness in interacting with other men as well). And not to mention, most women seem to suffer the same fate.
Now I am not an authority on communication or attraction and neither do I pretend to be one, but you somehow start getting the feeling that there is something wrong with this picture. A lot of guys, and some girls will continue doing this throughout their glory years and not realize that most times they will end up with the same result....failure!
Here's what I think is the key to interpersonal interaction... Social Status.
Before you start jumping to weird conclusions, let me tell you first off that when I say Social Status, I do not mean money, power, fame and the usual things that people perceive as social status. These things have translated to social status because of the simple fact that they are easily measurable. You can easily tell if a person is rich, successful, powerful or famous. These things will help you attract women, but not the kinds you want to have long lasting relationships with.
Social status actually is a far more complex determinant. It involves a lot of stuff that directly relates to your personality and your approach to life in general. It is the actual value that you as a person hold in any interaction.
Now if you were to quantify social status in an interaction, it would be in terms of the confidence you bring to it.
Let me try and be less vague and break it down in terms of actions: this should be the best way to explain my concept of social status.
1. Try this experiment. All men notice the women around them on a subconscious level. For a day, try and keep track of the women you notice (not in a way that would creep them out). The way men mostly perceive women as attractive is through their looks and then through their personality when they start interacting with them or watch them interact with someone else. So on an average you should probably notice about 4-5 (I'm being conservative)women that would catch your attention.
2. Now lets look at this from a woman's perspective. Women have a very different way of getting stimulated. This is not just based on looks, but as a complete package that the man is able to present to her. The other qualities are professional success (not phenomenal success, but just enough to let her know of the mans capability as a provider), attitude, confidence, behavior towards other women, capacity for fun and humour, comfort, intelligence, communication skills etc. A clarification here needs to be made that the term 'women' is not used in the generalized sense of the word. When I say women, I mean the women who have their life together and the kind of women you want to get involved with. If you are able to attract a woman who does not give importance to any or all of these qualities, you are headed for disaster (or a one night stand)
3. Okay the tough part is over. Now for the revelation... put your self in the girl's shoes and using the criteria mentioned above, estimate the number of guys she would meet who would have these qualities. She'll be lucky if she meets one in years, let alone 4-5 guys a day!
And within this lies the key to social status. You may or may not get the girl you like by buying her drinks (sometimes they say yes, just because they want a free drink!) or by showering her with gifts, but you are surely communicating your lack of social status! Its like telegraphing "please accept this drink/gift as a token of my desire for you, because I have no other way of getting you to like me"
So if you want to attract the girl / girls that you want to have fulfilling relationships with (psychological, emotional, physical, metaphysical or what ever 'al' of relationship there is), you need to get the qualities sorted out.
Get your life in order... get a life first, have things to do, places to be, people to meet.
Get a career
Be busy sometimes, get hobbies, learn how to dance and listen to good music
Appreciate good humour and learn how to use it.
Accept that having an attitude and not putting up with bullshit is a good thing.
Get creative with words, learn how to speak without having to refer to the dictionary and Stop using txt speech!
And most of all be different from the sea of people out there!
Get these things sorted out in life and everything else will fall into place...relationships are just a by product of a good life.
And the holy grail... You can understand the true value of a man by the way he treats people who are of absolutely no consequence to him.
Okay the sermon is done. And I hope the girl who hit on me last night does not read this. Go live your life, I'm going to sleep.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Relationships and Thoughts
I guess this must come as a bit of a surprise, but then again most things in life are that way. Yes it’s me here; again...
For years now, ever since I became of a marriageable age, I have had this question posed to me at every possible social occasion. Yes I am Indian, and yes most Indians find this a perfectly justified question to ask just about anyone they've known for longer than 20 seconds.
"So when are you getting married?"
For a rebel like me, that’s a particularly tough one to answer without offending the blatant in-sensibilities of the person asking such a stupid question. If I had an answer to that, wouldn't you already know? Or better yet, wouldn't I already be married?
Well most times I answer with an "I don't know", but this open ended answer only leaves space for the next logical question...
"So what kind of a girl do you want?"
As if I just got back from the supermarket and didn't find anything I liked.
But while thinking up ways to elude this natural progression of questions, I did actually get to wondering about the kind of girl I wanted. To prime my knowledge about the kind of girls there are in the world, I promptly went to one of the matrimony sites. Yes whiteys, this is one of the places Indians go to get married... it’s called an arranged marriage, now go laugh yourselves to sleep.
Coming back to the point, I looked at the profiles that parents had put up for their daughters and in some cases the daughters themselves did it. Here are a few sample self-descriptions used freely by most:
• Down to earth (the rest of us are apparently on Jupiter),
• Homely (compared to what? homeless?),
• Fair (yes we are the most racist people on the planet and we might as well admit it)
• Decent (I thank them for specifying this most important criteria, leaves less space for doubt now that you specifically mention it)
• Convent Educated (Apparently that makes them purer?)
• And the one that takes the cake “Simple living, High thinking”. I always wonder if this means that you want the world but are also ready to live in a 2x2 hut.
Here are my thoughts on the kind of girl I want: none of the above!
I believe that with 6 billion of us on this planet uniqueness was the first to go out the window. So although I do believe in soulmates, I also believe that there is possibly more than one person that exactly fits the bill.
I want someone that’s human. I want the words ‘I goofed up!’ to be part of her vocabulary.
That brings us to the next point; I’d like her to have a vocabulary, both verbal and non verbal. I want to know the quirks that are uniquely hers, the sounds she makes when she likes my ideas
I want her to get uncomfortable when people ask her if she can cook. But I also want awesome food fights in the kitchen.
And I want her to laugh uncontrollably at times, with such ferocity that her whole body shudders with orgasmic relief.
I want her to not keep me grounded. I want her to fly with me to the highs and dive with me into the lows. I’m like that professional diver who goes for a walk on the seafloor with a very very loose rope tied to his hips. The rope doesn’t pull him back but it’s there to remind him of home with a little tug in case he ventures too far from the mothership. Also think spacewalks!
But more than the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I continually keep coming to the kind of relationship I want to have with her. Because I seem to think that’s the essence of life and yes you can call me corny for thinking that.
Now before we start talking relationships, we need to set right a few facts about me. These are probably the reasons I am writing about relationships and not the kind of women I want in my life.
• I do not get particularly attracted to girls for their looks. I know this sounds clichéd but the connection I make with women very rarely has anything to do with physical appearance. Now I confess that in my previous life, I have tried to behave like a jerk and thought I could get the hottest girls around; but there was a little problem with that theory. I realized there wasn’t much I wanted to do with those girls once I did get them. You can’t have a quiet cup of coffee or stimulating conversation with them once you do what you set out to do in the first place (yes you know what I mean)
• I know how to create attraction. I am familiar with all the tricks of the trade and can give mystery and style a run for their money. But unlike them, I realized early that manipulating girls into bed isn’t a particularly great achievement. I play the game now, but it’s only to create the spark. The rest is my personality. Few girls ever believe it, but it’s true. Many people call this being dishonest and devious. Well if you really want something, is preparing to get it called being dishonest? How about your graduation exam then? Did you prepare for it?
Okay so here’s how I think my ideal relationship would be:
1. I don’t believe that a relationship merges two people into one entity. I think it’s very important to have individualistic traits in the relationship. This keeps balance. Yin-yang etc. So I would appreciate it if my partner retained all the trademark stuff that makes her, her.
2. All my life I have heard people saying that there always has to be some sort of a compromise in every relationship. I refuse to accept a compromise. I value myself highly and so should my partner. Every difficult situation has a work around and not every work around culminates in someone having to compromise. There are win-win solutions; we just need to find them.
3. Every individual in a relationship needs his own space to grow. People think that this makes the relationship weak. But on the contrary, this is the only reason relationships endure. It’s only when you know what to do with yourself when you are alone, can you invest value into a relationship. How many relationships have been wrecked because of a needy or an insecure partner? I would love to learn that my partner decided to spend a night out on the town with her friends. This isn’t a very Indian trait but I promise to fight the system for her right to do this.
4. Time does not have to adversely affect a relationship. Relationships, like everything else in life, need work. Just because you have achieved a relationship with someone doesn’t mean the job is done. With a little care and attention, I believe that a relationship can stay fresh and exciting enough to endure the banalities of life.
5. And lastly the relationship has to be built on strong foundations of all four pillars equally: love, lust, trust and respect. Even if a relationship is casual and you don’t know where it is leading, the very fact that you are in a relationship is enough to merit these four things. Without these, there is very little basis for a relationship to exist.
For years now, ever since I became of a marriageable age, I have had this question posed to me at every possible social occasion. Yes I am Indian, and yes most Indians find this a perfectly justified question to ask just about anyone they've known for longer than 20 seconds.
"So when are you getting married?"
For a rebel like me, that’s a particularly tough one to answer without offending the blatant in-sensibilities of the person asking such a stupid question. If I had an answer to that, wouldn't you already know? Or better yet, wouldn't I already be married?
Well most times I answer with an "I don't know", but this open ended answer only leaves space for the next logical question...
"So what kind of a girl do you want?"
As if I just got back from the supermarket and didn't find anything I liked.
But while thinking up ways to elude this natural progression of questions, I did actually get to wondering about the kind of girl I wanted. To prime my knowledge about the kind of girls there are in the world, I promptly went to one of the matrimony sites. Yes whiteys, this is one of the places Indians go to get married... it’s called an arranged marriage, now go laugh yourselves to sleep.
Coming back to the point, I looked at the profiles that parents had put up for their daughters and in some cases the daughters themselves did it. Here are a few sample self-descriptions used freely by most:
• Down to earth (the rest of us are apparently on Jupiter),
• Homely (compared to what? homeless?),
• Fair (yes we are the most racist people on the planet and we might as well admit it)
• Decent (I thank them for specifying this most important criteria, leaves less space for doubt now that you specifically mention it)
• Convent Educated (Apparently that makes them purer?)
• And the one that takes the cake “Simple living, High thinking”. I always wonder if this means that you want the world but are also ready to live in a 2x2 hut.
Here are my thoughts on the kind of girl I want: none of the above!
I believe that with 6 billion of us on this planet uniqueness was the first to go out the window. So although I do believe in soulmates, I also believe that there is possibly more than one person that exactly fits the bill.
I want someone that’s human. I want the words ‘I goofed up!’ to be part of her vocabulary.
That brings us to the next point; I’d like her to have a vocabulary, both verbal and non verbal. I want to know the quirks that are uniquely hers, the sounds she makes when she likes my ideas
I want her to get uncomfortable when people ask her if she can cook. But I also want awesome food fights in the kitchen.
And I want her to laugh uncontrollably at times, with such ferocity that her whole body shudders with orgasmic relief.
I want her to not keep me grounded. I want her to fly with me to the highs and dive with me into the lows. I’m like that professional diver who goes for a walk on the seafloor with a very very loose rope tied to his hips. The rope doesn’t pull him back but it’s there to remind him of home with a little tug in case he ventures too far from the mothership. Also think spacewalks!
But more than the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I continually keep coming to the kind of relationship I want to have with her. Because I seem to think that’s the essence of life and yes you can call me corny for thinking that.
Now before we start talking relationships, we need to set right a few facts about me. These are probably the reasons I am writing about relationships and not the kind of women I want in my life.
• I do not get particularly attracted to girls for their looks. I know this sounds clichéd but the connection I make with women very rarely has anything to do with physical appearance. Now I confess that in my previous life, I have tried to behave like a jerk and thought I could get the hottest girls around; but there was a little problem with that theory. I realized there wasn’t much I wanted to do with those girls once I did get them. You can’t have a quiet cup of coffee or stimulating conversation with them once you do what you set out to do in the first place (yes you know what I mean)
• I know how to create attraction. I am familiar with all the tricks of the trade and can give mystery and style a run for their money. But unlike them, I realized early that manipulating girls into bed isn’t a particularly great achievement. I play the game now, but it’s only to create the spark. The rest is my personality. Few girls ever believe it, but it’s true. Many people call this being dishonest and devious. Well if you really want something, is preparing to get it called being dishonest? How about your graduation exam then? Did you prepare for it?
Okay so here’s how I think my ideal relationship would be:
1. I don’t believe that a relationship merges two people into one entity. I think it’s very important to have individualistic traits in the relationship. This keeps balance. Yin-yang etc. So I would appreciate it if my partner retained all the trademark stuff that makes her, her.
2. All my life I have heard people saying that there always has to be some sort of a compromise in every relationship. I refuse to accept a compromise. I value myself highly and so should my partner. Every difficult situation has a work around and not every work around culminates in someone having to compromise. There are win-win solutions; we just need to find them.
3. Every individual in a relationship needs his own space to grow. People think that this makes the relationship weak. But on the contrary, this is the only reason relationships endure. It’s only when you know what to do with yourself when you are alone, can you invest value into a relationship. How many relationships have been wrecked because of a needy or an insecure partner? I would love to learn that my partner decided to spend a night out on the town with her friends. This isn’t a very Indian trait but I promise to fight the system for her right to do this.
4. Time does not have to adversely affect a relationship. Relationships, like everything else in life, need work. Just because you have achieved a relationship with someone doesn’t mean the job is done. With a little care and attention, I believe that a relationship can stay fresh and exciting enough to endure the banalities of life.
5. And lastly the relationship has to be built on strong foundations of all four pillars equally: love, lust, trust and respect. Even if a relationship is casual and you don’t know where it is leading, the very fact that you are in a relationship is enough to merit these four things. Without these, there is very little basis for a relationship to exist.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Times Now coverage of the Mumbai attack...exemplary
The way times now news have covered...has to come in for special mention...it has done really well to stay away from all the jingoism, repeats of tracks, aggressive journalism, getting sound bytes from politicians, comments from completely irrelevant people, and jingoistic advertisements patting themselves on the back about their coverage of the event. The coverage has been completely objective...and refreshingly informative and in depth analysis.... to some extent it has restored my faith in indian news channels...
Terror in Mumbai....what it means
there are two things that will happen...disintegration and paranoia
the police will arrest people... based on religion, there will be politics; votebanks...the country will become more disintegrated. politicians like raj thakeray will play the blame game and we will lose the cosmopolitian nature we are so proud of...you dont see the pattern...its been happening for quite a while
yes....and thats the worrying part...that a lot of people dont see happening...is that the world is becoming polarised; demolition of the masjid, the godhra riots, mumbai blasts, violence against christians in orrissa, the situation in kashmir, the arrest of hindu extremists for malegaon blasts
the extremism in assam, and the northeast, the naxalites in andhra pradesh, maharashtra and kerala
the lawlessness in chhatisgarh and bihar and UP
do you see a pattern?
thats the part i am worried about...that moderate voices like yours and mine will be lost in all the jingoism
now the politicians will play votebank politics... the citizens who were moderate will now demand action and paranoia will rule.
they will call for tougher laws to combat terrorism; the next election will be fought and won by the bjp which will say they will have tougher law if brought to power..and going by the public’s opinion, that will happen...
and in the new found call for action people will lose their fundamental right forever...and not only will they lose it, they will willingly give it away...the new tougher laws will allow the police to search and arrest people and keep them detained without any explanation
so the moment something like this happens again, the trigger happy police will go hunting and torture people of a certain community according to public opinion
and all this will hurt economically
more money will have to be spent on security now... that means more harrasment to normal citizens
freedom of movement will end....
people will become polarised by religion.....and communal clashes will become common place across the country
i hate being the one to predict all this, but this will happen
this is not something that has to be faced...this is something which has to be stopped...people can do anything for their religion and faith...
religion will be one, when god is dead....
the police will arrest people... based on religion, there will be politics; votebanks...the country will become more disintegrated. politicians like raj thakeray will play the blame game and we will lose the cosmopolitian nature we are so proud of...you dont see the pattern...its been happening for quite a while
yes....and thats the worrying part...that a lot of people dont see happening...is that the world is becoming polarised; demolition of the masjid, the godhra riots, mumbai blasts, violence against christians in orrissa, the situation in kashmir, the arrest of hindu extremists for malegaon blasts
the extremism in assam, and the northeast, the naxalites in andhra pradesh, maharashtra and kerala
the lawlessness in chhatisgarh and bihar and UP
do you see a pattern?
thats the part i am worried about...that moderate voices like yours and mine will be lost in all the jingoism
now the politicians will play votebank politics... the citizens who were moderate will now demand action and paranoia will rule.
they will call for tougher laws to combat terrorism; the next election will be fought and won by the bjp which will say they will have tougher law if brought to power..and going by the public’s opinion, that will happen...
and in the new found call for action people will lose their fundamental right forever...and not only will they lose it, they will willingly give it away...the new tougher laws will allow the police to search and arrest people and keep them detained without any explanation
so the moment something like this happens again, the trigger happy police will go hunting and torture people of a certain community according to public opinion
and all this will hurt economically
more money will have to be spent on security now... that means more harrasment to normal citizens
freedom of movement will end....
people will become polarised by religion.....and communal clashes will become common place across the country
i hate being the one to predict all this, but this will happen
this is not something that has to be faced...this is something which has to be stopped...people can do anything for their religion and faith...
religion will be one, when god is dead....
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
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