Navigating Physical Distance in a Relationship....

I've always read that long distance relationships can be hard. There seem to be a number of factors that can contribute to a relationship going south because the distance at some point can feel like it cannot be bridged...

The main problem that people face is in deciding the right quantum of communication to maintain in a long distance relationship....If you decide to give a fair chance to the relationship, it seems that as much communication as you can get is the right way to go. however It sometimes feels like you are in limbo waiting for the real part of your life to start and that can be hazardous for the relationship. Like you are sitting and staring at a computer screen while life around you is moving at a pace you cant keep up with.

The paradox is that the opposite situation is also not a good scenario to be in... viz. a scenario where one or both the partners decide to move on with life and do things... and unless the communication channel is strong, the other partner can feel left out and insignificant. when that happens, the distance although absolute in physical terms can seem like a huge chasm that neither one can then hope to cross...

The boundaries of patience are often tested... what happens to physical satisfaction? where does one find the patience to deal with insecurities in the early part of the long distance relationship? does attraction wane with time? do priorities change with time? when should the alarm bells ring?

At one end, getting into a routine helps deal with the feeling of loneliness and helps you cope with everyday life. on the other end a routine at some point becomes comfortable and hence awakens the deeper insecurities of the other person. What if your partner becomes too comfortable with the distance?

The physical and emotional distance is just compounded with the difference in time zones. One person feels horny while the other is in the middle of a work day and cant help it. Also reading your partners emotional state of mind is not an easy task on a computer screen. Words are taken literally and the real meaning or emotion behind it often gets lost in cyberspace....

here is my take on this as a personal experience... I think early on I tend to need more contact than usual. At times it may come across as being overly needy and not too masculine. but the reason for this is that for the first few weeks, everything is unchartered territory. Although I may have been in long distance relationships before, Each instance is a new experience and the equilibrium needs to be found fast. I learn from your emotional responses to new situations and that helps me reach some sort of a comfort level... where life doesn't feel in limbo and at the same time it doesn't feel like you are rushing away from each other at breakneck speed. 

so how do you recognize which way the relationship is headed? your guess is as good as mine.

Poem of the week: A heart not to give

Cast in stone, coarse and porous
Hollow and drained of all it knew
To fill it feels empty and hopeless
Not to try feels pathetic and blue

Tears, blood, Love.... No not love
Love will never do

Love is the poison that cursed you so
It made you half where you were whole
I took from you and left you cold
listening for echos of words untold

Love and hate, hate and love.... Or hate to love
It's all the same

Until there is neither your heart belongs not to you
It can't be given, taken or divided in two
Many will try and fail you'll see
Always falling short of what they can't be

Your day will come to own your heart again
love will always find you in the end.

Copyright © gravy ... [2010-05-02 22:43:19]

The Unknown

On the clouds of unknowing
Where the stars aren't out of reach
hidden in mists of this purple twilight
I watched life blossom upon a virgin beach.
My tears merged with this fluffy sponge,
Tear’d from salty breaths of the seas below,
Lonely whispers entertained my crazed thoughts
As the land fell beneath my gloomy shadow.

An eclipse of my uncertainty clouds the land
Darkness conceals the feelings I hold beneath me,
On the cloud of unknowing I stand
Precariously on the edge... but an angel's voice keeps me.
The sunshine soon lights up a path
And the world looks up into the clouds,


I jump into the unknown


...and begin my voyage into your heart.

Things about me that I didn't realize earlier

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• As much as I like schedules and getting everything organized, I like working to flexible schedules and doing things at my own pace.

• At some point I would like to work with underprivileged kids in some way or the other. Not in a big do-goody way... but just in my own small way, enough to be able to make a difference.

• I want independence....not just financial independence... but emotional, spatial and physical independence.

• I am not a very family oriented person...I am slightly embarrassed to say it, but its true... big family gatherings are very uncomfortable.

• Regardless of whether they work or not in the end, The most fulfilling relationships I have had are the ones where I can see the relationship going somewhere. Without it I think they are pointless.

• I like being calm... flustered environments seem artificial...

• Goalposts are something that belong in a football field... My goals get achieved regardless of what I do...unless I screw it up horribly that is.

• I think falling in love is a natural exercise... its so effortless that it shouldn't be called an exercise... falling out of love - now thats more like military school... but my personal experience says it can be done

• I tend to give people more than their deserved share of empathy. It has nothing to do with the desire to be liked. I have no desire to be liked by everyone.

• A crucial lesson I have learnt is that its important not to squeeze timelines... in professional as well as personal lives... if it has to be hurried, there's no way things are going to work out... and if things have to work out, someone has to create the time.

My Ambitions

Over a period of time, we all go through phases of life where we want somethings more than most.... sometimes we want a certain job, sometimes it is money, material comforts, locations, emotional or physical satisfaction that is on top of the list of things we think we need.

What I have noticed through personal experience is that however badly I may want certain things and whatever ways I may use to attain them; when I look back at those things after a considerable period of time, I always have the realization that I was a bit naive to want them. If it isn't that, then its the feeling that the way I went about getting them wasn't quite the way I would now do it.

Although I have tried to sit and analyze the reason this happens, most times I do attribute this to a certain 'wavering' quality that my mind possesses. It sometimes gives the indication of not being able to focus on one thing over a period of time and seeing it through. Although lately I have had to re-evaluate the hypothesis.

Just to illustrate my point, here are a few of the things I wanted to do or be when I was little... in order of occurrence...

1. A bus ticket conductor (I had this thing that looked like a ticket puncher that I used to go around with)
2. A taxi driver (I thought they had the best jobs ever....driving cars!)
3. The guy who gets to drive 'kit' the car in knight rider (again who doesnt want to own a talking supercar?
4. A cricketer (I did actually pursue this for a while till the fact that I had glasses kinda proved a hindrance in turning pro...and the fact that the school coach was more inclined to let the rich kids play more)
5. A scientist (My 5th grade science teacher proclaimed this one in front of the whole class and that was all I wanted to do since then... I think it lasted a year or so)
6. An astronomer (my tryst with the planetarium library was the defining factor)
7. you get the gist...

The older I grew the more varied and complex the things that I wanted to do became.... what was peculiar though.... through ages 10-15, they were little more than fantasy.... when we all live in a world where everything is possible.

through ages 15-20, they were more of a wishlist... where I explored my options and tried to choose the best course of action. unlike the earlier 5 years, I had the option of having the means to pursue my ambitions... what happened (and what usually happens in such cases) however was a completely different matter.

Through ages 20-25, the list narrowed down to what was possible...although the possibilities for success and things to do within that narrow list seemed endless.

Post age 25... upto this age, what I wanted and what I did had definite purpose and goals... however I have noticed with increasing frequency that post this age, the factors defining success have considerably changed.... and so have the goals... I no longer crave the things I did when I was 20. My goals have widened to a point where I can only define them in the broader sense of the word.

This may seem more obscure, and can sometimes be mistaken with getting jaded or disillusioned... but on the contrary, it has never been more clearer... The goals have changed to a nature that I cant quite define here... I know what I want... I know how to get it... I know how to deal with failure and I also know that regardless of me getting what I want, things will turn out just fine. Call it a higher sense of understanding or pure unadulterated gibberish... the only person this logic appeals to is me.

The eventuality of things

I have never been a firm believer in the concept of eventuality. If there was a cause worth fighting for, I was right there with my sword defending it regardless of its futile nature and despite the fact that in eventuality my actions may not matter that much in the grand scheme of things.

This is probably why I do not see things that other people see until they smack me square in the face. To the uninformed observer this might look like a naiveté handicap, however it is best described as a stubborn disposition that sometimes overwhelms instinct and causes more harm by trying to maintain status quo in situations that are beyond hope.

There are various eventualities that as humans we sometimes ignore; some due to our inability to see the facts (and recognize them for what they are) and some due to our inability to accept them. When we finally do face the eventuality, it usually leaves us with a feeling of being let down; and in most cases it is too late to do anything about it.

However there is a silver lining to this… although an eventuality may lead to the death of a dream, idea or endeavor; it opens up the space for newer dreams and ideas to flow through. What we do with this opportunity is completely our discretion. We can sit around and mourn the death of our ideas and goals while new ones stare us in the face, or straddle up and take on the next challenge that comes through all the annihilation of the past.

What needs to change is the perception of failure… from something that leaves us feeling humiliated to something that opens up newer opportunities. Who knows what may be more important to us 10 years down the line… Do I want to chance my hand at guessing that by being inflexible in my choices now? I don’t honestly know.

What does matter to me is that regardless of whether my ideas and endeavors survive to become reality or die a horrible death, I as a person continue to find new peaks to scale.