My Ambitions

Over a period of time, we all go through phases of life where we want somethings more than most.... sometimes we want a certain job, sometimes it is money, material comforts, locations, emotional or physical satisfaction that is on top of the list of things we think we need.

What I have noticed through personal experience is that however badly I may want certain things and whatever ways I may use to attain them; when I look back at those things after a considerable period of time, I always have the realization that I was a bit naive to want them. If it isn't that, then its the feeling that the way I went about getting them wasn't quite the way I would now do it.

Although I have tried to sit and analyze the reason this happens, most times I do attribute this to a certain 'wavering' quality that my mind possesses. It sometimes gives the indication of not being able to focus on one thing over a period of time and seeing it through. Although lately I have had to re-evaluate the hypothesis.

Just to illustrate my point, here are a few of the things I wanted to do or be when I was little... in order of occurrence...

1. A bus ticket conductor (I had this thing that looked like a ticket puncher that I used to go around with)
2. A taxi driver (I thought they had the best jobs ever....driving cars!)
3. The guy who gets to drive 'kit' the car in knight rider (again who doesnt want to own a talking supercar?
4. A cricketer (I did actually pursue this for a while till the fact that I had glasses kinda proved a hindrance in turning pro...and the fact that the school coach was more inclined to let the rich kids play more)
5. A scientist (My 5th grade science teacher proclaimed this one in front of the whole class and that was all I wanted to do since then... I think it lasted a year or so)
6. An astronomer (my tryst with the planetarium library was the defining factor)
7. you get the gist...

The older I grew the more varied and complex the things that I wanted to do became.... what was peculiar though.... through ages 10-15, they were little more than fantasy.... when we all live in a world where everything is possible.

through ages 15-20, they were more of a wishlist... where I explored my options and tried to choose the best course of action. unlike the earlier 5 years, I had the option of having the means to pursue my ambitions... what happened (and what usually happens in such cases) however was a completely different matter.

Through ages 20-25, the list narrowed down to what was possible...although the possibilities for success and things to do within that narrow list seemed endless.

Post age 25... upto this age, what I wanted and what I did had definite purpose and goals... however I have noticed with increasing frequency that post this age, the factors defining success have considerably changed.... and so have the goals... I no longer crave the things I did when I was 20. My goals have widened to a point where I can only define them in the broader sense of the word.

This may seem more obscure, and can sometimes be mistaken with getting jaded or disillusioned... but on the contrary, it has never been more clearer... The goals have changed to a nature that I cant quite define here... I know what I want... I know how to get it... I know how to deal with failure and I also know that regardless of me getting what I want, things will turn out just fine. Call it a higher sense of understanding or pure unadulterated gibberish... the only person this logic appeals to is me.