Things about me that I didn't realize earlier

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• As much as I like schedules and getting everything organized, I like working to flexible schedules and doing things at my own pace.

• At some point I would like to work with underprivileged kids in some way or the other. Not in a big do-goody way... but just in my own small way, enough to be able to make a difference.

• I want independence....not just financial independence... but emotional, spatial and physical independence.

• I am not a very family oriented person...I am slightly embarrassed to say it, but its true... big family gatherings are very uncomfortable.

• Regardless of whether they work or not in the end, The most fulfilling relationships I have had are the ones where I can see the relationship going somewhere. Without it I think they are pointless.

• I like being calm... flustered environments seem artificial...

• Goalposts are something that belong in a football field... My goals get achieved regardless of what I do...unless I screw it up horribly that is.

• I think falling in love is a natural exercise... its so effortless that it shouldn't be called an exercise... falling out of love - now thats more like military school... but my personal experience says it can be done

• I tend to give people more than their deserved share of empathy. It has nothing to do with the desire to be liked. I have no desire to be liked by everyone.

• A crucial lesson I have learnt is that its important not to squeeze timelines... in professional as well as personal lives... if it has to be hurried, there's no way things are going to work out... and if things have to work out, someone has to create the time.

My Ambitions

Over a period of time, we all go through phases of life where we want somethings more than most.... sometimes we want a certain job, sometimes it is money, material comforts, locations, emotional or physical satisfaction that is on top of the list of things we think we need.

What I have noticed through personal experience is that however badly I may want certain things and whatever ways I may use to attain them; when I look back at those things after a considerable period of time, I always have the realization that I was a bit naive to want them. If it isn't that, then its the feeling that the way I went about getting them wasn't quite the way I would now do it.

Although I have tried to sit and analyze the reason this happens, most times I do attribute this to a certain 'wavering' quality that my mind possesses. It sometimes gives the indication of not being able to focus on one thing over a period of time and seeing it through. Although lately I have had to re-evaluate the hypothesis.

Just to illustrate my point, here are a few of the things I wanted to do or be when I was little... in order of occurrence...

1. A bus ticket conductor (I had this thing that looked like a ticket puncher that I used to go around with)
2. A taxi driver (I thought they had the best jobs ever....driving cars!)
3. The guy who gets to drive 'kit' the car in knight rider (again who doesnt want to own a talking supercar?
4. A cricketer (I did actually pursue this for a while till the fact that I had glasses kinda proved a hindrance in turning pro...and the fact that the school coach was more inclined to let the rich kids play more)
5. A scientist (My 5th grade science teacher proclaimed this one in front of the whole class and that was all I wanted to do since then... I think it lasted a year or so)
6. An astronomer (my tryst with the planetarium library was the defining factor)
7. you get the gist...

The older I grew the more varied and complex the things that I wanted to do became.... what was peculiar though.... through ages 10-15, they were little more than fantasy.... when we all live in a world where everything is possible.

through ages 15-20, they were more of a wishlist... where I explored my options and tried to choose the best course of action. unlike the earlier 5 years, I had the option of having the means to pursue my ambitions... what happened (and what usually happens in such cases) however was a completely different matter.

Through ages 20-25, the list narrowed down to what was possible...although the possibilities for success and things to do within that narrow list seemed endless.

Post age 25... upto this age, what I wanted and what I did had definite purpose and goals... however I have noticed with increasing frequency that post this age, the factors defining success have considerably changed.... and so have the goals... I no longer crave the things I did when I was 20. My goals have widened to a point where I can only define them in the broader sense of the word.

This may seem more obscure, and can sometimes be mistaken with getting jaded or disillusioned... but on the contrary, it has never been more clearer... The goals have changed to a nature that I cant quite define here... I know what I want... I know how to get it... I know how to deal with failure and I also know that regardless of me getting what I want, things will turn out just fine. Call it a higher sense of understanding or pure unadulterated gibberish... the only person this logic appeals to is me.

The eventuality of things

I have never been a firm believer in the concept of eventuality. If there was a cause worth fighting for, I was right there with my sword defending it regardless of its futile nature and despite the fact that in eventuality my actions may not matter that much in the grand scheme of things.

This is probably why I do not see things that other people see until they smack me square in the face. To the uninformed observer this might look like a naiveté handicap, however it is best described as a stubborn disposition that sometimes overwhelms instinct and causes more harm by trying to maintain status quo in situations that are beyond hope.

There are various eventualities that as humans we sometimes ignore; some due to our inability to see the facts (and recognize them for what they are) and some due to our inability to accept them. When we finally do face the eventuality, it usually leaves us with a feeling of being let down; and in most cases it is too late to do anything about it.

However there is a silver lining to this… although an eventuality may lead to the death of a dream, idea or endeavor; it opens up the space for newer dreams and ideas to flow through. What we do with this opportunity is completely our discretion. We can sit around and mourn the death of our ideas and goals while new ones stare us in the face, or straddle up and take on the next challenge that comes through all the annihilation of the past.

What needs to change is the perception of failure… from something that leaves us feeling humiliated to something that opens up newer opportunities. Who knows what may be more important to us 10 years down the line… Do I want to chance my hand at guessing that by being inflexible in my choices now? I don’t honestly know.

What does matter to me is that regardless of whether my ideas and endeavors survive to become reality or die a horrible death, I as a person continue to find new peaks to scale.